Fat To Fit And Over 40

So today is a bit surprising because yesterday I fell off the wagon, and fell hard. The morning started out ok, but I was feeling pretty crappy eating so few carbs.

It is hard enough to diet without the diet making you really cranky. So I decided instead to just reduce overall intake of food. Basically...cut the calories.

I also know that for me, telling myself that I can't have something only makes me want it more. So from day one, I wanted everything that I wasn't eating. Psychologically, this is doomed to fail, so the key is moderation.

I guess I thought that I could be strict enough on myself for a week with no carbs for at least a week, but that proved to be a bad idea. I wound up eating about 2 cups of ice cream yesterday before it was all over. *sigh*

So, today, I am just going to start a new process...just really cutting back.

Sad thing is, I really don't eat as much as you would think. I just don't exercise. I hate working out and right now with the pollen count so high, breathing has become difficult.

I need to get some kind of activity in today.

Over the last several years, I have become a complete hermit. I don't go anywhere, and I don't have any friends. And I am actually ok with that most of the time. There are days when I wish I had someone to hang with, and days I really wish I had someone to love me and me love them.

That is just not in the cards right now. I mean, I have a "roommate" that may be considered a boyfriend, but he only wants me around to cook and take care of the house. He has no spine and is non-committal which is just the opposite of myself. He also is a sheep, meaning he follows the crowd even if they are wrong. I choose to be a loner because I refuse to just follow someone without proof they are going the right direction. So our values have split us into being just friends that live together for the time being.

My point to this is, is that I don't get out much if a all. I only go out to get groceries and stay home the rest of the time. I don't socialize, or go to bars. Mostly because I am ashamed of the way I look. And it isn't because I think I am ugly. It is because I am fat.

I know without a doubt that I have not gotten jobs because I was fat. I also know without a doubt that two men in my life have chosen to not marry me because I was fat. I know because they told me that was the ONLY reason they wouldn't marry me.

You would think that would motivate me to get the weight off even quicker. But instead it has the opposite effect. Instead I want to dive into a giant bucket of fried chicken and Cinnabon because the endorphins from eating will make me feel somewhat better, even though there is absolutely no self-esteem.

I remember when I was actually 190 lbs and I was working at a pub. I was leaning against the bar and one of the patrons commented on how my stomach stuck out farther than my boobs. I was slouching so that didn't help.

All I wanted to do was to take the beer bottle and crack him over the head with it.

Why do people have to be so mean? And why is it ok to be mean to people with weight problems, but yet not ok to be mean to others who have issues?

So today I woke up feeling pretty good. Weight was 230.5. Yes, that half pound means something to those of us who are trying to lose.

Last night I was hungry at bedtime, but just drank a bunch of water. Bad idea. Was up to pee at least 3 times before I could finally fall asleep.

Regardless, I woke up with a stronger conviction today to stay on target with everything that I am trying to do...that was...until my roommate (or should I say boyfriend kinda) decided to talk about how much he missed "US".

He doesn't know what "US" is. This is a much too long and dramatic story to go into here. But just understand that I am working very hard on trying to get away from the situation that I am in, which is why I am so desperately trying to lose some weight.

Now, I have been crying for the last hour and trying not to go make a batch of cookies to soothe my broken heart.

It sucks being lonely. But I will get through, I always do.

When I was in my mid-20's, I had some kind of 'attack' (for lack of a better word), that happened to me one night as I was driving to work. I almost lost consciousness, but managed to hold on until I got to my workplace. I thought it was a one time thing but when I was standing at my station, someone told me I went white and I felt like I was going to pass out again.

This pattern continued and I wound up in the hospital on Christmas Eve for 2 days. After 2 days of being poked and prodded, no one could find anything wrong with me, other than exhaustion. I was working 2 jobs.

Eventually I got some rest but my symptoms didn't subside. I was getting massive headaches, and was constantly in a fog.

Long story short, I found the cause and eliminated it from my diet. What was causing this? Aspartame and Sucralose. I was drinking diet soda all the time. Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper were my favorites. You would think that by only drinking diet soda and tea that I would lose weight....nope.

So when I finally quit drinking the soda altogether you would think I would drop weight right? Nope. But I did start to feel better, although it took months to get all that garbage out of my system.

Now I have to really read a lot of labels but it is so much worth it when you understand what the sweeteners do to your body.

I didn't get rid of my saccharin though, and that is my last hurdle. While saccharin isn't good for you, it is better than aspartame or sucralose. Eventually, I will be eliminating all of them and trying to get into more natural sweeteners like Stevia.

The only problem is that nothing tastes like real sugar. So I am having the hardest time trying to kill that sweet craving with Stevia.

Hopefully, I will find something soon.

I weighed myself this morning and thought that I would have shown some water weight loss. I know that you normally lose a lot of water weight the first week of dieting, but when I got on the scale this morning, I realized that I showed a gain of weight.

Not funny.

Of course I am using a diet plan that worked well for me 15 years ago and I am wondering if it still will work for me now that I am older. So I am not going to worry too much about it at this point, and just try not to over-analyze it. Today is a Tuesday and I should really only worry about the weight loss for a week.

The plan that I am using is a combination of several plans that I have been on in the past that I found worked for me. It is a low carb plan, but not as rigid as something like Atkins.

The first 3 days are the hardest because it is really strict on what you can eat, so I have one more day of strict than I can start adding in a few other things that have a few carbs.

However, since I didn't stick 100% to it, I may stay on the strict part until Friday if I can manage it.

Why does food have to be so hard to control?

Ok, so I wrote day 1 and day 2 on the same day. That's because I decided to do this blog a day late...LOL

So yesterday was hard. Anytime people make a change that isn't what we are used to, it is hard. But the bottom line is, 'how bad do you want it?'

Of course I say that tounge in cheek because dieting and changing your eating is unlike any other kind of addiction. I know because I am an ex-smoker and ex-drinker. It was really hard to give up both of those. But the difference is that I didn't NEED to smoke to live, and didn't NEED to have alcohol to live.

Food is different because we need food to live. I also have learned a bit more about my body. Hunger and cravings are two totally different monsters. I actually am not as concerned about hunger because I can always quell that with some kind of vegetable or a salad. No, it is the cravings that get me.

I crave carbs...cookies and fried chicken are my weakness. Any kind of cookies, but mostly chocolate chip. Fried chicken...of any kind, is ok with me.

The day before I started this plan I am on now, I went and had a basic cheeseburger and fries, both of which are not on the plan. I relished the taste knowing that I would not be eating them except on the rare occasion that I may not eat much else the rest of the day.

So for me, it is the craving of certain foods that I am working towards learning how to stop. Taking it one day at a time.

Soooo....Yeah, I am another diet blogger. Female, and 44 years old. Been fat all my life. Was never skinny....ever. Not even when I was a little girl. I always had the pot belly. In fact, if I ever didn't have a belly I am not sure I would recognize myself...LOL.

Ok, so my weight as of day 1...drum roll please...231 lbs. I am 5'8".

So what is the goal weight? Well, depends on who you ask. But for me personally, I am shooting for 140 lbs. Based on my build, I think that is reasonable, but will know more when I get there.

What is mind boggling to me, is that is 90 lbs. 90 lbs? How did I get this big? I mean I have always been plump, but never though I would ever be this heavy. And I feel so old.

I used to smoke and drink. Quitting smoking was the right decision, but I gained weight easily because I substituted food for smokes. I wish I would have started exercising, but I didn't.

Actually I am not trying to get skinny. I am trying to get to a Marilyn Monroe body. I am not sure how much she weighed, but I will see if I can find out. To me she was healthier looking that the skinny people today that we try to emulate. And I think in general, guys like Marilyn.

Ok, so off we go.