Over the last several years, I have become a complete hermit. I don't go anywhere, and I don't have any friends. And I am actually ok with that most of the time. There are days when I wish I had someone to hang with, and days I really wish I had someone to love me and me love them.
That is just not in the cards right now. I mean, I have a "roommate" that may be considered a boyfriend, but he only wants me around to cook and take care of the house. He has no spine and is non-committal which is just the opposite of myself. He also is a sheep, meaning he follows the crowd even if they are wrong. I choose to be a loner because I refuse to just follow someone without proof they are going the right direction. So our values have split us into being just friends that live together for the time being.
My point to this is, is that I don't get out much if a all. I only go out to get groceries and stay home the rest of the time. I don't socialize, or go to bars. Mostly because I am ashamed of the way I look. And it isn't because I think I am ugly. It is because I am fat.
I know without a doubt that I have not gotten jobs because I was fat. I also know without a doubt that two men in my life have chosen to not marry me because I was fat. I know because they told me that was the ONLY reason they wouldn't marry me.
You would think that would motivate me to get the weight off even quicker. But instead it has the opposite effect. Instead I want to dive into a giant bucket of fried chicken and Cinnabon because the endorphins from eating will make me feel somewhat better, even though there is absolutely no self-esteem.
I remember when I was actually 190 lbs and I was working at a pub. I was leaning against the bar and one of the patrons commented on how my stomach stuck out farther than my boobs. I was slouching so that didn't help.
All I wanted to do was to take the beer bottle and crack him over the head with it.
Why do people have to be so mean? And why is it ok to be mean to people with weight problems, but yet not ok to be mean to others who have issues?
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